lingering at the entrance to the confessional

she messaged me: it’s almost been a decade.

were there sparklers?

yes, she said, and i cried.

jokes about the end of the world.

we went for lunch at the owl, she reminded me, and it was so quiet there.

that was my first week at j-school, i replied. what i didn’t say was: when everything changed on every level.

***

i remember freaking out about my family travelling. but that was almost ten years ago, and i’m a very different person now, even though movement is always coloured.

***

i feel like i need to explain my absence. need to let you know why i haven’t been here. i can’t, yet. just know that the reasons are many, personal, and not mine to give.

***

i haven’t been in this headspace in a while. but i’ve lost so much recently and gained so much, too.

i’ve been living within parenthesis, but this space… is for text, commas and semicolons. it’s for lightness and incomplete darkness. but where i’d been had been very dark. not Dark.

i thought this year would be about austerity and it’s not. it’s about tests.

i’ve known something since january. i voiced it for the first time today and in response, was asked if it was what i wanted. it is. is so very much is.

i’ve messed up so many times. in fact i keep on messing up and trying to ignore the consequences. i’ve paid for things i didn’t even know i was paying for, got dinged twice this month. a phonecall reversed one set of charges but the second set’s number keeps on coming up disconnected. i have to protect myself, still.

***

golden called me by my nickname once, electronically. triggers of another time all beauty.

what’s the opposite of g(u)ilt? growing up is hard, b.

you are what i want.