you are in the music

– this is for c., because he spoke beautiful when i needed to hear it most.

i’ve been thinking a lot, these past few weeks. about where i’ve been for the last two years, what i’ve experienced. right now, i’m letting go of a temporary case of bitterness stemming from the desire to blame another. but bitterness doesn’t become me ergo i won’t become it. i have too much love joy good things in my life. i choose forgiveness of self. this is conscious conscience.

late nights introspection train slamming me down on the tracks over and over and over again. dreams where dried shrivelled up hearts are eaten chewed slowly flavourlessly. recounting of my own flaws not for self-flagellation but for the mandatory post-mortem. i’m young so how else do i grow wise. one day the retelling will be for someone else.

i’m selfish self-absorbed spoiled impulsive naïf. i don’t know how to give space without taking some. been learning how to not ask for the pound of flesh because it will cause bleeding. i’m not a mean-spirited person there is good in me. empath to a fault will take on a love’s pain just so they won’t. give up a pound of my own flesh instead blood and all. but love doesn’t ask for that it throws its hand between my skin and the blade i’ve seen it do that without being asked to. i don’t need that done for me. but even after that, love calls back.

i can live with my flaws because patience forgiveness work ethic will prevail. my sense of security isn’t false it’s external internal. sometimes, i make wrong choices. other times i choose right/to write.

and in the moment, i (can still) hear beautiful.