missing the ground

When you are loved, wholly loved, she said, you never feel alone. When someone commits to you truly deeply, they are unable to walk away. If only because they cannot bear the thought of you feeling alone. If only to spare you that. And if they are able to walk away, then it was not love they felt, but something more shallow.

She paused, and each wrinkle etched on her face deepened.

Never accept less than love. If someone wants to leave, let them try. Wait, for a few minutes, hours, just in case. But no longer. That waiting space is deadly. Leave it.

^apt passage.

roundabout dizzying makes me want to hurl – an emotional response upchuck the gravel travelling through bewilderness without a machete. that constant hiss reminding me that i had always known but chose not to prepare for.

but it’s all good though. because (speaking of always-known):

1.

He chuckled through the phone when I told him. You said that last time too, remember?

I couldn’t help but laugh back. This time, I’ll take bets. I won the last one, do you remember?

<flashback> a kitchen confession of love in a different timezone our second together, unexpected. while i tried to respond, i realised that i had always known. his admission had done nothing. i guess i’m supposed to say i love you too? i asked him. whatever, i know you do, he replied. too true. </flashback>

2.

A sci-fi reference had the guardian checking for my humanity. He listed all the reasons he doubted it: sometimes I was really cold; I would wear crooked glasses; I knew things machines knew; I was building an army of robots.

I countered: I wasn’t building an army, I was building one automaton and I was doing so with his assistance; I also knew things machines didn’t know; I liked the Sadies; they were his crooked glasses; and when I cut myself (accidentally and often) I bled and even though it tasted metallic that didn’t mean I wasn’t human. Besides, some machines were human too.

Fine, he said. Now we have to go and find the other three.

3.

There’s a Prince song for everything.

A different kind of knowing all along. To rephrase: lonely never alone love removes the real.