ordered nouveau

i’ve always felt helpless when it came to you. could have – would have – done anything in my power to make things easier, simpler, happier. not my place. not allowed to be my place. shouldn’t be my place, not the way this world works.

do you even know how i feel?

security, love, music. comfort, protection, blood.

in between ultimately meaningless distractions, i think, what would i do to stop this pain? mine is easy, i can deal with it. if it takes away any of yours (and all of hers), i’ll walk with it forever.

years from now though, i’ll be fine. will you?

i can’t call, can’t reach out. frustratingly helpless, can only passively receive. and nothing i can do. absolutely nothing. not an unfamiliar situation either.

i know what happens now. i wait to hear. hope for the best. hold the piece of my heart that belongs to this person. pray for the best.

while this feeling isn’t new, it’s the first time i’ve been here so intensely. over the years of growing up, i’ve written this feeling out in poems i don’t show to others. poems that are too dark, bring up too many memories. those poems don’t get published, posted, read.

today was beautiful, but i was angry at the sun. felt betrayed that she was shining, that i’ve been shining. i resented the warmth, the emotional manipulation. today should have been like the weekend. in this land, only melancholic weather is the appropriate backdrop for anxiety.

***

forgive my vagueness and vagaries. i write this way because i can’t speak about some things. not tongue-tied, that’s too simplistic, too cliched a descriptive. my throat’s raw, and the salt from my tears burns stings. reverse dysphagia got me so i can’t even swallow anything else.

horror movie reassurances. distractions from gunshots. what are you fighting (for)?

a toy soldier with a bayonet stabbed me this morning when i was grabbing something from my fridge. would have been cute(r) had i ran into it post-coffee. i have no idea what other surprises have been left in my house. warring figurines aside, each piece of stumbled-upon is love, letting me know someone cares. and that’s so essential right now as i deal with fear.

my posts are all i make public.

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