feeling haunted, kept up, need to write it out. purge exorcise delete. i hold on too easily. but i’ve found the right solution for that, i think. i wish i could be sure about stuff, but i’m hardly certain about anything. not even the memory. spent the last few days on a different plane, disconnected on a creative tip wouldn’t you know? trying to focus, make things, make things work.

BAM – in comic book jagged edges.

a distraction. wait, i just lied, implied. not sudden, building since summer [8]. immediately after a space was recently cleared. i slash-and-burned it, listening to morrissey’s voice for ambience. not first choice, but hey. would have played lou reed, but didn’t have a car [9].

cleared space functioned as a landing pad for something that had been hovering [2]. although it was a dot on the horizon [9,7]. landed object grew like the blob, covering everything in warm wetness.

this post’s about diluting some of the energy – until i build my container. just trying to let a little bit out, so i can focus on the major endeavour. when i left this plane i left my groove. time to get it back. no stella, y’all.

to the whisperer: funny, that one showed up again, stone figurine all reassembled after i had seen it disintegrate right before my eyes. mist you. like a lamaze coach, reminding me to breathe. coaxing me. witnessing the birth of a superhero, special power the rescue of i. might still get namesake ink. i finally have it figured out: we’re from the same myth. let’s walk along the train tracks, use technology to see, and find a rooftop where i can practice what i need to say.

a message to the distracting other* [7]: i used to believe in enhancement, but at some point, in a diner somewhere-not-here, i came to believe in completion. either the object or a (gilted) replica of. i apologise for the reduction, but it’s the abstract i’m finding distracting, so simplifying. we’re from the same space, but there, i’m a crescent moon. as opposed to mist, this is tangible. don’t front, i know you got me open.

damn, in technicolour. alakazam, wonderful you came by.

10, 11, and 12.

*to those wondering if i’m addressing them – it’s only you if you understand the significance of the date this was posted. and/or this line: “but i guess it’s easy being a soldier when there’s no war”.

technically, today is the day i should be building an automaton. the day where i should place Self exterior. the day when i segregate emotions from living. but no. not today.

i want to see a photo of myself. where i’m standing, looking away from the camera, into the distance. i should look Self-unconscious, at a moment when the photographer (an intimate) caught me unawares. behind me, slightly out of focus, should be anOther entity. one that embodies me, but the neutral viewer wouldn’t be able to know this. one with buttons, machinery, strings. i should have crow’s feet, the ones i’m working on now, laugh lines that don’t reach my eyes.

the intimate who took the photo would caption it with something romantic, a projection of the feelings s/he imagines me to contain. but they would be wrong. the romanticism would be projected into the wrong object. the automaton would hold the real.

but if i were to build the automaton that would show up in a future photograph of myself today. oh, if only i would. if i were to build this objectSelf today, i would be called eccentric-crazy-weird, and i would be locked up away from this real.

which is kinda what i want right now.

A reluctance, a resistance. But life is good, opportunities raining down. A little space got made, and I’m amazed at what’s shown up to fill it.

“I heard about you, and I’m liking what you do.”

The feeling is mutual. Coffee? Let’s talk about silent movies, sound art, collage. Let’s shoot a film, make puppets, read academic papers and talk about motivating emotions. Let’s stop global warming, create world peace. Right now, I can do anything.

Something got ripped off. I thought I would feel raw, vulnerable, exposed. I feel shiny, new, fresh. Found my self-esteem, it was hiding in a bus stop. I deserve what I’m getting right now.

I’ve been neglecting this space and others, so ready, re-set, go! Reassuring words, looks, touches try to heal a wound that should be there. But I’m through with being punished unnecessarily. I’m all about celebrating myself and those who made me who I am.

Brilliant new energy, strange new place. Owing gratitude and looking for places to show it. Universe, know that I’ve learned my lesson, know that I’m grateful for how it came to be, wrapped up in cosmic dust. There’s beauty I didn’t know about before, in the unlikeliest of places. I’m so grateful for everything I’ve been through, so great-full with everything I’ve just been given.

I have so much in me to give. It’s still there, almost untapped. If only you knew, but I can’t regret what I felt to be the truth. The body knows.

Plugged right back into the city last night, Kensington Market, no less. Three different offers, life, love and work. Tell me I’m not blessed. This re-grounding is so empowering, so beautiful, like a hard-earned reward it doesn’t have to be anything special. Just acknowledgment right now is enough.

Life’s feeling like a Rubik’s cube – we’d had the blue side all straight, now the yellow’s coming together. And it’s easier from here on.

And as a final message – don’t aim for my lips, yo. They can speak for themselves.

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