ayiti nation of warriors. they’re out there still tonight. i see them when i wander and wake up in salt. i read the news reports watch the videos look at the photographs. compelled to look know that they are out there. memory is important. far away, i need to witness. we need to know what’s going on what other people are going through. it’s so painful. i’ve written pages it’s not my pain but it’s in my body. i’m too open these days. can barely think about it. the bodies look like mine my family’s my countrywo/men. the hairstyles postures stance too familiar. i’m safe, in reflection. i also wait another looming event. the next time won’t be a reflection will be my image. already parallel (universe) being drawn. some of the images trigger like the glint of fierce sun off machetes held by youth. fear pushes my tears. i see you –> me –> us.
and i understand.
still working through a different pain, needing to put my burden down. slowly working through, slowly eliminating. i’m also moving, and symbolically releasing with each item that doesn’t get to come with me. the new space is healing. i couldn’t voice that yesterday, but it’s healing, wholesome. an outdoors a bathtub. this is important, more important than other things that should be.
i’ve been re-accessing my community. finding the sanctuary i had been looking for elsewhere. mis-guided, but things that were hazy were made clearer. especially in response to destructive patterns.
i’m looking forward to a new part of the city, a new chance to walk different streets. i’d unplugged from the city for the last little while – retreated. time to re-treat under those sodium lamps. listen to the music on the concrete. and when it warms up a little more, get some sunshine.
i’ve been asking for a lot. needing a lot. not getting a lot. trying to get past that to the state where i can give a lot, again. but i can’t do it alone. i also can’t allow myself to be drained. the little i have left right now has to go where it’s needed.
i’m ok with failing, as long as i’ve tried.