Alongside a whole bunch of practical academic and career projects, I’ve been contemplating on the daily. Time taken for meditative walks, morning coffees, streetcar rides. Large, looming questions, thankfully non-oppressive. Amazed at my mind’s ability to navigate, function. Shame about my body’s though, that has conveniently caved and forced me to bedrest repetitively. I blame it on a culturally pathologised flaw in the design – if you ignore my heritage, “special needs” – but I know and you know it’s not fully true. My mental has always been mirrored in my physical: witness the chewed down nails, the limp, the return of the headaches, the rash on my wrists. That noticeable decline of physical strength. When I’m broke down, I’m frighteningly fragile. Eggshell.
I digress. Things are clicking, stuff is getting examined:
- I have a fear of not being viewed/accepted as the only one. My family and friends (affectionately, I assume) label me as a princess, an attention-seeker, high-maintenance. Professionally, this has been reflected into an impossibly-small niche, a refinement/advancement of my career into making me one of a handful with the disparate knowledge base that I have. Easily traceable, the roots of this need. Despite this, or maybe precisely because of this, I do not compete with others, and resent feeling placed in a competitive situation.
- Things I thought I had dealt with are rising to the surface. I’m still easily triggered over things I believed I had long unpacked and put away, but that’s not true. I had just shoved them into a closet, assuming that no one would ever try to open that door. Great. Now everything’s all over the corridor, waiting for me to do a better job this time around. I’m just going to sidestep for now, it’s a little easier.
- I deal too easily with absolutes. When I’m wronged, the hurt I feel in (over)reaction is so intense, my reflex is to shut down, amputate immediately. It’s a joke about Scorpios, the way they hold on to grudges. Misunderstood that, we’re more likely to feel even the slightest mis-step against us as an epic wrong; it’s simpler and self-preserving to refuse to engage with someone who has hurt us, kinder to Self than to work through the pain. And don’t trivialise this as another overreaction – what might be viewed by anyone else as a casual, simple mistake has such profound consequences for my psyche, understand that I can’t help that. My only known coping strategy involves novocaine for the soul. I’m now searching for other ways. And please don’t categorise me as emo, I’m finding that offensive these days.
- I’m incredibly confused about everything, flashback to my teenage years. At least then I wasn’t worried about consequences. Everything now seems so dire, so urgent. Caught up in the now, future so hazy it’s frustrating. Paralysing sometimes too. A person of extremes, my response comes out in performed certainty. If you haven’t figured this out by now, the more self-assured I appear, the less certain I am about anything in that moment. At least I know this about myself, and to protect, I don’t choose to reveal this to most. But I try and drop hints to the people close to me. Even more so than the tortoise on the cliff top of a mountainous island surrounded with shark-infested seas, I’m protective of my soft inside.
In spite of all this, I’m feeling positive, strangely in control. Possibly delusional, but I don’t care. There’s a new strength, a drive to achieve something within this. To find out what I’m talking about, use this: