simply, an update (and thanks for the fish)

The major undertaking’s been mad intense. Imposter syndrome all up in it. But it’s exciting, and every single moment I’m grateful for the privilege and blessings I’ve received. It’s made a lot of things clearer about my path, and what I’m meant to do with my life. Even with all the drainage, even with all the intensity, stress, anxiety, things are getting clearer.

Aside: Following Goals, Mathematik feat. Bahamadia on the stereo. iTunes ability to soundtrack my life is eerie.

Anyway, aside from the lack of sleep, intellectual overstimulation and the seepage into re-evaluating my own abilities, the other parts of my life are taking an interesting turn.

Creative work. What I’ve been learning is shaping my creative work outside of the major undertaking. A project that I’ve been working on for a while is getting crazy positive feedback, and the part of my brain that relentlessly obsesses is all over it. I’ve put it out there to the Universe, we’ll see what comes back. I can’t wait for these things to manifest, can’t wait for a sense of closure on the literally tens of half-started brilliant ideas. Execution is the hardest part of that war, and my weaponry’s strapped on, let’s do this. Also, synchronicity again surrounds this one particular project.

Personal life. My time’s been scarce, and I’ve had to ration it out. I withdrew for a little while, and then got the best advice ever: let your people know where your head’s at. I’ve always been an incredibly intense person, one that most people can only handle in small doses. So I learned at an early age to tone it down, filter for the sake of others. I’m unlearning that now, letting my emotions shine out like Scott Summers’ gaze. Unfortunate side effect is that friends have been reluctantly cut out, being unable to deal with the dust storm nature of my emotions. I can’t blame them, but I’m also not in a place where I have the energy to put their needs before mine. I’m being selfish, and I’m finding out that those who truly support me are circling me, protecting me from the outside, letting me do that. And not even telling me off. I have so much gratitude for my circle, as small as it’s getting.

Also, my 30th birthday’s coming up, so cue constant retrospeculative analysis. Morals, values, beliefs, and what I will and will not tolerate. At one point in my life, I honestly didn’t believe I would ever make it this far. But I did, and because I hadn’t planned for it, I’m all like, so… what now? Reviewing my history, reading the narrative and making editorial comments for the next ten years. Also, I’m patiently waiting for the end of Saturn doing whatever the hell it needs to do so I can get on with the rest of my life. We’ve been performing a ritualistic dance, but thank God my missteps haven’t been dramatic, and I haven’t gone stumbling. Still can’t trust that I’ll be caught before I smash my face. Not that it matters, I’ll heal.

The immediate focus is learning how to balance. I hadn’t been going to the gym for a couple of months, and now that the weather’s colder, I can’t get my physical fix outside, so it’s back to the cardio machines. Problem is, time. In learning to manage my time better, I’m eliminating anything extraneous that takes too much of my energy. Simply put, if it’s too much work for me right now (aside from the major undertaking and creative projects), it’s going to have to go, no hard feelings.

On an Andre Williams tip.

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