woke up feeling all right and trying to trust that

the dreams have come back also when i’m awake. unmoored needing to find some way to balance before i sink. performing stability on point. this post is a resolution a promise to self that from now on here there will be peace or some modicum of it. unusual that transition is so difficult that’s why energy is needing to be back on again. but with the final full stop in this paragraph i’m starting ain’t nothing to it but to do it. trying to balance a couple of life changes finding it hard to maintain. stir in some confusion about may possibly affect another huge life decision no wonder i’ve got my back up against a wall. and that was the final full stop

***

the myth has disintegrated into dust trying to turn it into clay. listening hard for whispers now but they’re drowned out in the sound of my own voice shouting. don’t like being where i’m at now surrounded by distorting fog. part of the new resolution is looking for a guide that’s internal.

it’s all in the words. and they’re changing shape on me forming containers for emotions i don’t want to hear. building up behind lips until they give like a dam that has just had enough. need to learn a new vocabulary with words that are too rigid for different shades of being. trying to communicate only in singular morphemes no possibility for extra layers of nuance there.

***

i’m out and about again in the city after seasons of rarely venturing out of my hood. city blocks can be so insular. but this new movement is refreshing, there’s a whole world that exists beyond the boundaries of my gentrification-in-progress part of town (apparently, freshii’s moving in. if the starbucks, exclusive nightclubs and overpriced farmers markets were the beginning, that has to be the final nail).

***

the new venture’s got me in a whole new universe. this level’s way beyond me, and for the first time in my life, i’m overwhelmingly anxious and unsure about my ability. imposter syndrome hitting me hardcore. it’s been seeping into other aspects of my life too, my relationships, my creative work.

in amazing positive news, being in an atmosphere of learners is refreshing and energising. i wake up every morning anticipating the new knowledge i’m about to acquire, anticipating the conversations that are going to teach me something new about the world and by default, myself.

***

movement is happening. other cities are calling to me, and i can see myself in several other places before the year is over. points of contact in other networks are reaching out to me, and each time this happens, so does movement. i haven’t traveled much this year at all, not like i usually do. it’ll feel good to meet a new place, see how it affects me.

there have been a few trips – mainly involving the open road. the roads help me think, clear my mind and reset. i’d like to send a shoutout to the prairies in gratitude – their scenery soothes my soul.

Summer 2009

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