the young apprentice

you know how i can tell when i completely lose touch with the real? when my points of reference are almost exclusively mythical. it’s not real! it’s not logical, rational or pragmatic. i relate too easily to fictional characters and turn every single real life action into a fictional adventure. i become a bona fide supraman.

‘Superman?’ Clevinger cried. ‘Superman?’

‘Supraman,’ Yossarian corrected.

the cast of characters in my life, if they only knew, become correlated to imagined existences. i can’t even see the true characteristics of people, of events, of places. objects and characters that may never have existed (apart from in their human creators’ minds) become part of my everyday. it’s disturbing because now i can’t even trust my own perceptions or interpretations of situations. and those around me become caught up in my fantasy world.

it happens slowly, with the odd allusion. and then, insiduously, this fantastical thought processing consumes everything.

it’s how i take control over circumstances around me over which i have no control. i re-name, re-categorise, re-shape, until things become unrecognisable in this plane. re-allows me to manipulate and influence outcomes. unfortunately, it’s all hallucinated. none of this is real.

ultimately, when i’m forced to deal with the gravity of rl situations, it’s physically and mentally painful. i come back with a vicious bump and get steamrolled over when i try to transpose the decisions i’ve made elsewhere into this existence.

this has been going on for decades. but i think i’ve figured out how to at least manage it. conversely, i got that lesson from lost, season four. i need to find a constant – something that can travel with me into these imaginary fantastical constructed realms in my head, and provide me with a point of reference external of self.

or, i need to find an incredibly patient therapist.

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Title reference: “Wrapped Around Your Finger” – The Police (1983).

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