i can only take so much rebuff, rejection, refusal before i reach my breaking point. my something’s-got-to-give point. i can only balance so much when i’m not affirmed, validated, wanted. well, i broke, something gave, and things turned ugly. i turned ugly, and for a few minutes there, i didn’t like who i became. didn’t think i could become that. but it’s there. granted, it took a pretty deep stab to reach it, but it’s there alright.
you’d think i’d choose a different career than writing, seeing as i don’t deal too well with rejection, and the editorial process is a whole other level of discomfort. but hey, masochistic streak, there’s my explanation.
so what now? forgiveness is an easy thing to preach, a much harder thing to do. “people never forgive you for the bad things they do to you.” it works both ways i’m sure, but i’ve always taken responsibility for other people’s attacks: you know, if i hadn’t walked into that knife, i wouldn’t have gotten hurt.
i’m not guarding anymore. not out of stupidity or weariness but out of the acceptance that i need to be open. out of an overwhelming, naive need to trust on a human scale. there’s so much ugliness in the world. i need to believe in all the good things in people. i’m dealing with it. the upside is experiences become richer, more intense, lovelier. obvious downside, what with all the negative and unhealth floating around. i’m learning new ways to manoeuver, toughening up the core so it’s not so fragile. either way, setting myself up to be hurt or disappointed. but i’m so jaded, cynical, bitter, and unhappy when i don’t have faith.
i’m never going down that road again. i’m not even looking to excuse or rationalise. i’d lost sight of making decisions based on taking care of me; reminder noted. forgiveness starts with self, but my self and i are cool.
moving on, love, and my karma’s my armour.
had the best day ever yesterday. spent time with my brother. watched my sister play in a steel pan band for the first time. hung out with my friend’s son. bought some art supplies and books (including a graphic novel). tracked down an old friend. chilled around a fire pit. on the way home, taught my brother the lyrics to stiff little fingers songs and we had a singalong in the car. today, i visited friends of mine and spent time with their adorable three-month old. great food, even better company. i go back to toronto in a few days, and it’s going to be okay. a new phase is starting and this buffer’s been exactly what i needed.
still riding that high.