today was a struggle. i’m almost there, i know it, but it’s hard. it’s like drowning, sticking your head through the water, taking in a few short gasps, and then getting pulled under again. i have to remember to hold the panic back, not give in. know that i can do it again. know that although i’m tired, i’m close. in my head, i’m repeating the bene gesserit mantra: “fear is the mind killer…”

My dreams are tapping into an incredibly destructive, fearsome, intensely dark feminine energy. It alarms me because I don’t know how to handle it. I’ve not come across this before, not that I’m aware of at least. I’m channeling this energy but I’m not sure what to do with it yet. In my dreams the goddesses of war, destruction and terror show up: Kali, the Mórrígan, Neith, Oya. Pulled from teachings I’ve received throughout my life. Archived in storage and now dug out by my subconscious and re-purposed for night visions. I haven’t thought of the Mórrígan in over a decade. Neith for a few years. Oya’s been in my mind recently, and I have no relationship with Kali. These divine warriors are on a nightly rampage. In my dreams, they are older than time and fiercer. These aren’t nightmares, just vivid and intense dreams. Maybe I’m constructing a myth for myself as the warrior-woman. I don’t want to prepare for war. It’s coming – there’s an alarming prophesying aspect to these dreams, I just don’t know from where. I’m trying to be optimistic about it – the goddesses appearing in my dreams all have positive aspects in conjunction with their destructive powers: creation, (re)birth and fertility.

And while the dreams are incredibly different, the feminine energy and the music remain the same. Maria Callas as Medea. Medea’s story is ultimately a horribly, tragic, insane tale about the depths of despair and how far one woman went when driven by madness and jealousy. Weird. I’m trying to figure out the connection.

When I look back, re-visit places in my story, I walk around bends and corners and expect to see ruins. So far I’ve found that where there are ruins, nature’s magically taken them over and they’re now patches of brilliant wilderness. Out of the destruction and chaos, beauty has found a way to grow. And I now have the ability to let go, and the knowledge that I can revisit, over and over and over again.

Today, I tried to move away from the intensity of everything. I switched off my phone, watched a children’s movie, read Calvin and Hobbes, listened to early 90s freestyles. And made it through.