day 22

monday july 13 and over three weeks of no municipal garbage collection in toronto and it shows. the streets reek of garbage – an unpleasant stench of household waste, rotting food and decomposing animal corpses. detritus blows across pavements, weaving its way between the feet of pedestrians. i’m grossed out by the smell and look of downtown.

i’m way too entwined with this city. i’ve been picking up my mental cues from it – the disarray and unhealthiness had seeped into my life. i’m not usually like this, but a year-long series of messed-up situations has me feeling like whatever regulates my life is on strike too.

i recently came out of another intense and prolonged depression, so at least the helplessness is over. starting to make concrete steps toward becoming healthier, more productive and better, in so many ways. i had to go pretty far down, further than i had been in a while, before i could say “this is enough” right as i was being pushed deeper into Darkness. the oft-absent pragmatist stepped in at the very last second, deus ex machina style. i’m not really down with martyrdom for an extended period of time. my coping strategies haven’t been the healthiest and having wallowed for a tad too long, i’m on my way back up. taking care of self and not losing sight of the important things in life – my health, community, family and work. getting back into building once again.

had been on the losing end of too many battles in every single area of my life. felt so beat-up. karma, we good now? i got a blue car with my name on it out west, so i’m ducking out for a little while. the reset button on my life has been pressed, and it’s all new again. there’s tonnes of bright spots, i can see them. a reminder that i need to shape up for the next ones coming in. grateful for the love and protection coming from expected and unexpected places. i’m sorry i strayed, but i’m back on my path. keep those torches burning, they’re guiding me.

love and fierceness all up in this now.

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