daedalus, seriously?!

From Wikipedia’s style manual:

“An in-universe perspective describes the narrative from the perspective of characters within the fictional universe, treating it as if it were real and ignoring real-world context and sourced analysis. The threshold of what constitutes in-universe writing is making any effort to re-create or uphold the illusion of the original fiction by omitting real-world info.”

For the past 72 hours, I’ve been sitting with my emotions, trying to process and organise the mental mess that my thoughts currently constitute. Earlier on this year, a friend told me that she felt that I wasn’t going to be moving anywhere, and not necessarily in a physical sense, for a while. At the time I was like, I knew that, based on some news about the next few years of my life. My friend brought that up again a couple of days ago. What she had said back in March was true. Externally, I’ve hardly budged from where I was then. Internally, I’ve not shifted per se, but there’s been movement in the sense of turmoil.

Problematically for me, whenever I’m in stressful situations as I have been for most of the past year, I construct alternative realities in my head. I’ve done this my entire life, causing the people closest to me to get frustrated with my apparent obtuseness and stubbornness. “It makes sense in my head,” had been one of my catchphrases. Confronting and dealing with a whole bunch of issues is now teaching me that living entirely in my head is not, in today’s parlance, a good look. It’s reflective of my elaborate avoidance tactics.

I’m grateful for the time I’ve had to be able to sit with my issues. I’m proud of myself for learning how to be patient with myself. I’m still raw and in pain from the lessons I’ve been taught, but the healing has begun. Life’s harsh and personal growth is distressing. I’ve been really fragile because I haven’t had the energy to keep my defenses up. But it’s impossible to learn about trust without taking risks. And on a possibly masochistic streak, I wanted to see what would happen to me if I allowed myself to be that vulnerable, if it was worth it. I lost that particular venture but it was undoubtedly worth it. I’ve now been tested in new ways and I’m a lot more confident of who I am and what I offer as a result.

I’m now mapping out how I’m going to more effectively manage and influence the situations I put myself into. I’ve been learning about the importance of symbolism, and semiotics in retrospect isn’t as effective as reading the signs around me. My writing provides me with the most comprehensive clues – I mainly write through channeling and I’ve been unaware of the timely significance of the pieces I produce during certain times. The recent synchronicity has been blowing my mind. Omens, symbols, harbingers and signifiers abound, if only I knew to pay attention to them at the time.

And weirdly, the following cultural markers have been repetitively showing up in completely unrelated settings: Philip K. Dick (Valis mentioned by a friend, opera performed later on this year, Valis mentioned in my horoscope; sister doing coursework on Do Androids Dream…?, graphic novel coming out; Adjustment Bureau and We Can Remember It For You Wholesale in production); Catch-22 being referred to in unconnected conversations, history lessons in Assyria, Yossarian quotes being sent my way); a week in which every day featured Bacharach-written songs and conversations around them with completely different people; the other musical coincidences are too much to mention; the story of Icarus (after writing my earlier post, Avoiding Icarus, I recently met someone significant who had both appeared in another post and is connected to the name Daedalus). There’s an incredible amount of widespread channeling going on this year.

According to what I’ve learned so far, here’s what’s going on in my life: I’ve been blocking some kind of energy within me which is throwing everything off balance. The energy is feminine and contains both destructive and creative forces. I’m reaching a pivotal moment in my life and have to learn how to balance both sides because so far, my repression has been pushing me towards self-destruction. I have the power to manifest my desires and combining that with a migrant work ethic, all the signs are pointing to achieving a potential where I have no idea where the limits are. I’m feeling re-invigorated. I need to pay attention to what’s going on around me. I need to stop using my mental/spiritual (in the forms of my sub-conscious and imagination) as a refuge in the way a child will hide in a closet and rock herself; rather, I need to incorporate my safe fantasy worlds with my tangible existence. I need to stop fighting against Darkness, moving on from acknowledgment of the unhappiness that exists in my psyche to an acceptance that it is something that might never change, but can be managed.

And right now, I’m in the Prairies for a much-needed escape. And once again, I’m looking for somebody else. Feeling concerned about the distance since last seeing this person, but this time at least I understand what the drive behind this need to re-locate is.

I’m finally learning how to exist in my real life. It only took me three decades to start.

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