talking about grenades

i process, mentally, at ridiculous speeds. i’m not too sure where i get it from, and when i was younger, i used to believe that i suppressed my feelings. in retrospect, when i examine what i’ve been through over the last three years in particular, i’ve noticed that it’s not suppression. i just go through emotions at the speed of light. saves me time. i’ve learned not to actively react while i’m going through this, and to allow myself a little more time so i can be sure that i’ve gone through everything and i can make decisions with resolution.

the downside of this rapid processing is that i can get paralysingly overwhelmed by the intensity of disparate extreme emotions and moods in a short time span. writing this out right now makes me think that i am this way as a protective measure, not allowing negative emotions to exist in my mind long enough for them to create a gateway into Darkness. living with depression means developing extraordinary defensive measures, because sometimes i just can’t be sure of my ability to pull through.

the upside of this is that: i don’t grieve for long. i don’t hold on to anger for long (any more). and i’m not a bitter or resentful person. last year, around this time, i was angry, and someone told me that i had to stop responding from anger. it was too draining, too destructive, and created unhappy endings. i needed to flip, operate from a place of love. i’d been holding on to those words in the context of revolution and social change. now, i’ve learned the value of responding from love in my day-to-day, and from a deeper level than just trying to achieve moral goodness. and i’ve been noticing people around me taking advantage of that.

i’m not coming from an altruistic love, i’m not talking about loving others for the sake of being perceived in a positive light. i’ve been making choices based on a love of my own self, and i’ve been a much happier and productive person because of it. in the last couple of months, i’ve had to extricate and disentangle myself from situations where i could see that the other person was mistaking my kindness for weakness, and my generosity for stupidity. and i had to leave in a way where i was taking care of myself emotionally first.

i’ve been surprised at the results. situations which could have ended up in acrimony and bitterness have been inverted into situations where closure and resolution have been easy to find without any lingering resentment. righteous anger at being used, manipulated, or attacked was mine to claim. and i didn’t. i just smiled and walked away, unscarred.

and most beautifully, most recently, acting from a place of love meant that i could hold on to the best parts of a significant relationship with someone else, and continue to love them and keep them in my life.

surviving the encounters that have signaled the conclusive and absolute final ends of certain relationships have taken up way too much of my energy. energy i’d rather be putting into a calligraphy project, audio documentary, lesson plans, book-writing, or building on relationships that i hope to carry with me for a long time still. so now, i’m closing the gates and withdrawing into a different, productive headspace where i don’t have to deal with peripheral anxieties and stresses. but first, i have to remove the leftovers. and this time, i’m not smudging or scrubbing with bleach to remove the traces of toxicity. i’m strapping on my blasting gear, looking forward to the fun i’m going to have with this purge.

and i’m still grinning.

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