retrospeculation

catharsis on an hourly basis overnight. vivid dreams, ransacking rest. right now, my head aches, not with tension, but with pushing through all this emotion. passively observing, on a paranoid streak. not so true. the death of something inside me means its life is flashing before my eyes. reconfiguration of my positionality and complicity within certain situations. it’s all good. i thought the universe was testing me, but it’s not. it’s gifting me with a retrospective, a warped episode of “this is your life.”

was looking for validation, faith, and security in the wrong places. i’ve been so blessed – that’s always been there, in the friend dedicating his day off to help me create, in the check-in phonecalls responding to cryptic updates. it’s there in the people who allow me to be myself, who turned their homes into havens when they saw i needed a rest stop, way before i realised it myself. it’s in the physical contact that magically showed up when needed, in neighbourly visits, in rides home. in yellow, and in new moons. in i-love-yous and i-care-about-yous. in the music. always in the music. i don’t need to fight to receive love. i’m well taken care of, more than anyone has any right to ask for. huge.

i was spiralling inwards, falsely confident in my own ability to notice when the Darkness came. almost got me there. almost dragged me down so deep. subconscious side-stepping turned into a dance, a game, catch-me-if-you-can. 24 hours ago, i was dark, heavy. today, the morning after the night before, surrounded by sawdust and scratch perry, the import of last night has me rejoicing in newly-discovered strength.

once this headache’s done, i’ll be all right. i’m not taking anything for the pain.

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