night’s mares

i’ve been seriously weirded out though by these dreams i have. they’re incredibly twisted, violent in a depraved sense, just simply horrible. it’s a specific type of dream, every once in a while i have dreams like that, but recently it’s been pretty regular. as a rule, i don’t usually remember my dreams, but every time i have one of these dreams, i remember it. it’s gone from once or twice a year to three times in one night. i’m concerned about this.

the first time i had one of these dreams that i can remember, i was four and a half. that’s how intense they are, i don’t remember much from being four, but i remember this dream. there were horses, cobwebs and the disney character goofy. it was the night my mother was in the hospital giving birth to my sister. april 19 or 20 1984.

what’s worse than the content of these dreams is the emotional intensity of them. i’m starting to dread falling asleep, afraid of waking up in the grip of panic, anxiety, fear. emotions so intense, they manifest physically, fists clenched so tightly my nails leave marks on my palms that last for half a day. muscle cramps in my calves from imaginary chases. back pain from the tension of hiding in small spaces for hours. sometimes, the violence is so horrible the need to throw up is what wakes me up. i wouldn’t be surprised if i was dealing with ptsd from witnessing brutal and traumatic events in my dreams.

the most recent dream happened two nights ago. a man was shot in front of me. blood and bone splattering on to a wall. chunks of brain matter. not some nicely cleaned up movie version of death, but pretty realistic. a really nice guy in my dream too. he was shot by an individual (man? creature?) who looked like an alive version of an anime character in three.d, with all the physical traits but in flesh and blood. something or someone impossible. maybe my mind’s way of making sure i know this isn’t real.

i’ve been trying to find out what the significance of these dreams are. interpretive literature isn’t shedding any light, just telling me that death signifies an end. thanks. there’s nothing anywhere that can break down what homicidal live versions of animated characters could possibly signify. or madwomen at tufnell park station in london. or alligators on seesaws.

online forums are of no help either. people who post about having these dreams are told to get professional help. get their sick minds sorted out. there’s one article that briefly mentions emotionally intense violent dreams being associated with depression (bing!), but i haven’t found anything yet to expand on that. at this point i don’t care what causes these dreams.

i just want to make them stop. i’m two steps away from self-induced insomnia as a solution. and y’all know how much i (usually) love sleep.

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